A pickle will get us out of this pickle!
by sixsignsthecircle
Summary: A road trip, an epic quest for a quasi-vegetable, a grotesque Eskimo-eating platypus…Ah, another fanfic challenge. Chapter problem fixed, Chaps 34 added.
1. Old Ladies

Title: Our Sanity for a Pickle

Summary: A road trip, an epic quest for a quasi-vegetable, a grotesque Eskimo-eating platypus…Ah, another fanfic challenge.

NOTE: A lot of people are confused by some of the Japanese names, so I'm gonna sort of intermix them…You'll see what I mean. For those unfamiliar with the Japanese version, Miho-chan, or Miho, is a character that doesn't appear in the English version. She and Tristan are sorta together…She's nice, but not annoying like Anzu.

Yugi Motuo anticipated the ringing of the final school bell of the day. It was five minutes to the end of his last day as a freshman at Domino High School. The entire summer off, and nothing planned…

"Hey, Yug," Joey Katsuya's voice broke into Yugi's peaceful reverie, "You wanna get together at my house tomorrow? A sort of Yay-We-Aren't-The-Lowliest-Pond-Scum-In-School-Anymore party?" 

"Sure, Joey, I'd l—"

Yugi's response was cut off by mocking laughter from none other than Seto Kaiba.

"You'll always be the lowest pond scum anywhere, Chihuahua," Seto laughed at Joey.

"Urrrrrgggghhh! Don't—call—me—a—chihuahua!" Joey growled through clenched teeth.

Kaiba just laughed.

"So, uh, who's coming, Joey?" Yugi asked, trying to prevent the inevitable Kaiba VS Joey match. The same thing happened every school day.

"Kaiba, you—Eh? Say what, Yug?"

"To your party. Who's coming?"

"Uh…Me…and You. Tristan, Ryou, and maybe Mai…" Here Joey blushed.

"What about Anzu?" Yugi asked, and turning to Anzu, "You're coming, aren't you? To Joey's house?"

"Sure!" Anzu piped up, "I wouldn't miss a day with my friends for the world!"

"You know," Joey muttered to Yugi, "I wasn't planning on inviting her…"

Tristan, who had been half-listening to their conversation, interjected. "Hey, Joe, you're inviting Miho-chan, right?"

"Uh…Of course," Joey said, snickering. "I'll invite your girlfriend."

Seto Kaiba, listening to their conversation, snorted with disdain, and then decided to have a little fun…He wasn't busy tomorrow…Why not crash their little party?

*~*~*~*

Joey's party was going well, except for the fact that Yugi wouldn't let Joey duct-tape Anzu's mouth shut.

"So I told him, I said, 'Johnny Steps, you have to believe in the true power of friendship.' Well, that shut him up--,"

"Pleeeaaaase," Joey begged Yugi.

"No." Yugi insisted, "She's not that bad…"

Joey just rolled his eyes and turned back to the paper he was writing on.

"Hey, Joe, whatch'ya doin'?" Tristan called, his arm around Miho.

"I'm writing a fanfiction for my favorite Saturday morning cartoon, Ho-Ig-Uy."

"A fanfiction? What's that? Ow!" Miho had just slapped Tristan for attempting to slip his hand under her shirt.

"It's when you write a story based on another story or movie or cartoon or something. And in this one, I'm literally torturing the pants off this one character, Coffeé, who thinks that everyone's her friend." Here, Joey laughed evilly.

A sudden yell filled Joey's yard.

"COWABUNGA!" Seto Kaiba burst into Joey's yard, holding a dog mask and what looked like a stick.

"Who invited you?" Joey snarled.

"I did," Seto said smugly, "Here, Doggy, brought you a party favor." He brandished the rubber dog mask.

"RRRGGGHHH…" Joey sounded an awful lot like a dog.

Seto laughed, waving the stick around in the air.

"Hey, Seto, what is that?" Anzu asked, stepping over Miho and Tristan, who were wrestling on the ground, and Yugi and Ryou, who were trading Duel Monsters cards. Mai was in the bathroom, fixing her makeup. Duke Devlon, who had been invited by Yugi, was probably following Mai around. He was—er—quite taken with her.

Seto turned to Anzu. "I dunno. Some old lady gave it to me on the way over here…Said something about the magic word…Ah, well. COWABUNGA!" he repeated, waving it carelessly over his head.

There was a big poof of smoke and when it had cleared, a weird old lady stood in the middle of Joey's backyard.

"Hey!" Kaiba said, "She's the one that gave me this thing." He tossed the wand on the ground, where it broke in half.  


The woman laughed. "You said the WRONG magic word!" the lady cackled, "You were supposed to say, "Geronimo!" and everyone in the Domino City would have received good luck for ten years. Instead, you said the OTHER magic word, so you all get bad luck for ten years! Ah ha ha!"

She disappeared in another cloud of smoke.

"Damn," Seto muttered.

The old woman reappeared in a third poof if smoke.

"Ohyeah," she said in a breathless rush, "Youbrokethewandsonowyoucan'treverseit. Bye!"

"Uh-oh…" Ryou muttered.

"Please," Tristan wheedled, "I won't hurt you." But he was talking to Miho.

Suddenly, Malik appeared at the gate to Joey's backyard.

"Hi, What'd I miss?" he asked, looking very sexy indeed.

Anzu began running around in circles.

"Not much," Bakura said sarcastically, popping out of his soul room. "These morons just got us all ten years bad luck, that's all."

"Did you guys fall for the old woman thing?" Malik asked.

"Yep."

"Morons. Anyway…A pickle will get us out of this pickle!"

They all looked at him strangely.

"All we need," he explained, "Is to find the Anti-Old-Lady-Curse Magic Pickle."

"Oh, that clears EVERYTHING up," Joey muttered.

"I thought it would," Malik smirked.

"Well," Seto said, "I'll just be going on my way…"

"Oh, no you won't," Yami Bakura growled, grabbing Seto by his collar, "You got us into this, and you're sure as hell gonna try and help us get out of it!"

"Oh, okay," Seto saidm then suddenly dashed away from everyone else, yelling, "NO ONE CAN CONTAIN ME! I AM SUPER SETO AH HA HA!"

Duke grabbed him as he came out of the house, followed by Mai waving a hairbrush.

"What's he doing here?" Duke wondered.

"Boy, have WE got a story for you," Tristan said, "And by the way: Does anyone own a van? We're in for a road trip, guys…"


	2. Flagrant Violence

Chapter Two: Flagrant Violence

As it turned out, Seto and Mai were the only two of the eleven who could drive.

"I'm not letting any of you people into any of my cars," Seto said.

"Cars? How many do you _have_?" Serenity asked. [A/N: She just appeared there randomly okay? 'Cause I forgot to put her in the last chapter…Oops.]

"Sixteen," Seto answered, "And none of you are getting in any of them."

"Well, we're not all going to fit in my convertible," Mai pointed out.

"It's okay, Mai, I'll sit on your lap," Duke drooled.

"We'll just have to rent a van," Tristan said, looking hopefully at Miho, "I'll sit in the back with Miho-chan."

"Aw, shit," Malik observed, "You mean I have to share a car with _ten_ of you losers?"

"Eleven," Seto amended, "I'm not leaving Mokuba home alone."

"Don't forget our Yamis," Yugi added cheerfully.

Malik groaned, "But I hate my Yami! He's mean! He doesn't let me stay up late or eat cookies or leave the soul room or _anything_."

"Weak," Bakura [A/N: Yami] coughed.

"Uh….guys?" Anzu asked, "Why don't we go rent a van now? I just can't wait to get this roadtrip started! Oh, you guys," she burst into tears, "I love you all!" She tackled as many of them as she could reach (Joey, Seto, Bakura, Malik, Serenity) in a hug.

Joey slapped her across the face. "Get a grip on yourself," he commanded, pushing her off him.

"Sorry, friend," Anzu sobbed.

"Hey!" Mai said, "Are we going or what?"

"What." Malik said, stubbing his toe on a rock, "Ah, shit….Looks like our bad luck is starting to set in."

………

The eleven teenagers wound up at Reel Cheep Auto (or a reasonable substitute—GUARANTEED!) Rentalz.

"Okay, let's go," Seto said, "And get this over with. I want to go home and write another virtual reality program."

They all went into the building, and Seto approached the guy behind the counter. "I want to rent a van. Make it a good one."

The guy behind the counter grunted.

"Hello?" Seto said, leaning over the counter, "Can you _HEAR_ me? I want a fucking van!"

Yugi burst into tears, "My v-v-virgin ears!" he sobbed.

"Oh, SHUT UP!" Seto yelled, "You didn't say anything when Malik decided 'Aw, shit' was his phrase of the day."

Yugi was silent. "Oh, yeah," he recalled after a moment, "You're right." 

"Anyway," Seto turned back to the guy behind the counter, "Van?"

Yugi burst into tears again.

"What _now_?" Seto growled, turning back to Yugi, who was hanging on to Malik's waist and yelling, "Why, Malik, why? Wasn't it enough when you tried to kill my friends and I? Why did you have to say a bad word, too?"

"There, there, Yugi, my shining friend," Anzu comforted, patting his head awkwardly. "OW!" she yelled suddenly.

"Wh-what happened?" Yugi blubbered.

"I cut my finger on your stupid hair!" Anzu said, then amended, "I mean, your great hair, shining friend."

Yugi just continued crying.

"Fuck," Seto swore, slapping Anzu across the face.

"Hey! What was that for?" she asked indignantly.

Seto shrugged. "I wanted to slap Yugi, but I would have had to crouch down to reach him."

Yugi kept crying.

Suddenly, Yugi's millennium puzzle began to glow.

"Yu-Gi-Oooooooooohhhhhhh!" 

Everyone was quiet for a minute, as Yugi's Yami took over the body.

"Hey," Joey remarked suddenly, "Remember when we worried that Yugi wouldn't be able to beat Pegasus? Did it ever occur to any of us what a dead giveaway that puzzle was? I mean, it was always yelling out, "Yu-Gi-Oh!". I don't think it would keep insisting "King of Games" if Yugi was about to lose."

"Oh, yeah," everyone looked at Yami stupidly.

Yami surveyed them all with his fiery red eyes. "Who made my hikari cry?" he asked dangerously.

Everyone except Seto pointed to Seto. Seto pointed to the guy behind the counter.

"Where's my van?" he asked.

The guy behind the counter grunted and beckoned Seto to follow him outside. He led Seto into a huge garage full of expensive-looking vehicles.

"Now this is my kind of place," Seto said enthusiastically, "Oooh, I have that one…..and that one. And that one. Oh, and I have that one in red-,"

"Here." The guy who was once the guy behind the counter, but was now the guy not behind the counter said, "Fifty bucks."

He pointed ahead of Seto.

"Fifty?" Joey asked, "For this? Sweet…." He admired the huge silver van with gold trim.

"No," the guy not behind the counter said, "That." He pointed to a pink Power Wheels Barbie jeep beside the van.

"BARBIE!" Anzu yelled, running to the little jeep and trying in vain to squeeze herself into the driver's seat. She wound up sitting on the back trunk of the jeep and stretching her arms across the front seat to reach the wheel.

"Let's go on an adventure, girlfriend," Barbie's somewhat robotic voice issued from the dashboard.

"C'mon, guys!" Anzu said enthusiastically, "You heard Barbie! Get in!"

Malik slapped Anzu across the face.

"No violence in front of Barbie!" Anzu sobbed.

Bakura slapped Anzu across the face. "Stop _crying_" he commanded exasperatedly.

"Better yet," Seto said, "Stop _breathing."_

Anzu sucked in a huge breath and held it.

"Look," Seto said, "I want an automobile. Your sign says you're an Auto Rental place.

"Ah," the guy not behind the counter said, "It also says, "Or reasonanble substitution"

"This," Seto said, "Is not reasonable. I want that one," he pointed to the silver and gold van.

"Sorry," the guy not behind the counter said, "All these cars are reserved already."

"Well, _un_reserve them," Bakura said dangerously, approaching the guy not behind the counter.

"Sorry, too late," the guy not behind the counter said, not sounding sorry at all, as dozens of people zipped into the room, into the cars, and all the cars zoomed away, leaving car-shaped holes in the walls.

"Shit," Malik observed, "There are times when I really hate being a cartoon character."

Anzu quietly turned red.

Seto rolled his eyes and pulled a huge wad of cash out from one of his trenchcoat pockets. "I _said_ I wanted a van," he repeated, holding the wad of cash over his head, just out of reach of the guy not behind the counter.

"Ah….let me see what I can do," the guy not behind the counter said, drooling.

He led them into another garage, where he stopped in front of a huge bus with weird colored patches all over it.

**__**

THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY, the bus' side proclaimed in big letters.

"It's all I have left," the guy not behind the counter explained.

Anzu quietly turned blue.

"We'll take it," Seto said, jumping in the driver's seat. He revved the engine and tossed a fistful of money out the window towards the guy who was on his way to reclaiming his title as the guy behind the counter.

"I call shotgun!" Joey yelled, jumping in front next to Seto.

"Great," Seto muttered sarcastically, "Try not to drool on me, Chihuahua."

"Uh-oh," Mai said, "I sense a catfight."

Mai, Duke, and Serenity climbed in behind Seto and Joey. Behind them were Yugi, Miho, and Tristan, and in the last row of seats were Malik, Bakura, and a rapidly purpling Anzu.

"Ready?" Seto called, "Let's get this over with." He started up the bus and began to drive. 

"Yay!" Joey and Tristan yelled, "We're going on a road trip, we're going on a road trip!"

"Shut up," Seto commanded, as Anzu passed out.

"Is she dead?" Joey asked hopefully.

Seto stopped the bus in front of a huge house. 

"Is this where the pickle is?" Joey asked. Everyone looked at him strangely, except Bakura and Malik, who were giggling in the backseat. [A/N: Reminder: Bakura is Yami Bakura. Ryou is the hikari/aibou/little dude…..y'know, the cute lil shy dude]

"Remember?" Joey asked, "We're looking for the Anti-Old-Lady Magic Pickle.

"Oh, yeah…." Everyone except the insensate Anzu, and the two giggling psychopathic sexy guys in the back said.

"Moron," Seto said, "This is my house. We're picking up Mokuba."

He got out of the bus and came back a minute later with an energetic little kid with shaggy black hair and smoky blue eyes.

"Big brother!" the cute little kid exclaimed, "Are we going to the carnival?"

"No," Seto said, as Mokuba climbed in front between Joey and Seto, "We're going on a quest."

"Yay!" Mokuba said, sitting up straight and staring wide-eyed out the front window. Seto got back in the bus and Mokuba said, still staring out the front window, "A quest for what?"

"A pickle," Yugi said.

Moukuba giggled, "You're so silly, Yugi. If you really wanted a pickle that bad, I can get you one out of my refrigerator. I have a whole jar, for when Seto makes me hamburgers."

"Awww…." Mai said, "Do you stand out on the porch with a widdle apron,Seto?"

"Don't be an idiot," Seto scorned, as Mokuba giggled and said, "Of course he does. It says, 'Hug the chef!'."

Mai, Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Serenity, Miho, and Duke burst out laughing. (Bakura and Malik were still giggling in the backseat)

"You're grounded, Mokuba," Seto said through clenched teeth. 

Everyone except Bakura and Malik stopped laughing. "Maybe if we turn it this way…." Malik was saying.

Everyone (except of course the giggling megalomaniacs in back and the still insensate Anzu) looked at Seto with huge chibi-style eyes. "You're mean," Mai sniffed, "Poor little Mokuba-chan. It's okay, Mokuba, we'll beat up meanie Seto for you."

"I'm sorry, big brother," Moukuba said shakily, looking up at Seto, "I love you."

"AWWWWWWWWWW……" everyone said (except the two insane pharaoh-wannabes in the back and the unconscious purple girl).

"Fine," Seto growled at Mokuba, "You're not grounded. Just stop being so damn _cute_, will you?"

Another burst of giggles came from the backseat, and finally Seto turned around. "What the hell are you guys _doing_ back there?" he asked.

Everyone turned and peered into the backseat, where Malik and Bakura were giggling and shifting Anzu's limbs into….suggestive….positions. Just now, she was propped up against the back window of the bus, and she appeared to be looking down her own shirt, a stupid grin on her face. Her arms hung straight down and her hands had been shoved under her own ass. Malik held his hand over his mouth and giggled as he pointed at her, and Bakura took one of her hands out from under her and shoved it down her blouse. The two continued to giggle insanely, and everyone else rolled their eyes and turned back, except for Yugi, who had no idea what was going on, since he was too short to see over then back of the seat.

Seto started driving again, and Joey started singing, "I told the witchdoctor I was in love with you, And then the witchdoctor he told me what to do…."

"CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!" Seto pleaded, looking up at the roof of the bus.

"Hey!" Mai yelled, "Keep your eyes on the road, mister, or _I'm_ driving.

Malik and Bakura giggled again.

"Big brother?" Mokuba whined, "I have to go to the bathroom."


	3. Rest Stop

Chapter Three: Rest stop

Seto pulled over at a gas station so Mokuba could use the bathroom, and then he drove for six hours straight. After that time, they were most definitely in the middle of nowhere. "Okay," Seto said, "I now officially have no idea where the hell we are."

"Let's get a map." Mai suggested. Duke had fallen asleep on Mai's shoulder and drool was coming out of the corner of his mouth. Serenity was listening to her discman. Mai, in between criticizing Seto's driving, was reading a _Teen Diva Queen_ magazine article entitled, "OH MY GOD….I broke a nail miles away from a nail salon and other natural disasters". Joey had fallen asleep and was snoring loudly, his head against the passenger side window of the bus. Mokuba was also asleep, leaning on Seto and sucking his thumb. He had a blue teddy bear under his arm. Yugi, too, was asleep, and he also had a teddy bear under his arm, but his was white, and he was not sucking his thumb. Miho was trying to deter Tristan from shoving his hands under her sweater. Anzu had long since woken up, but had made no move to withdraw her hands from her blouse. Malik was asleep, leaning against his window, sucking his thumb with his Millennium Rod tucked under his arm. Bakura was looking around at everyone, trying to decide the best method to kill each one of them.

"That's a great idea," Seto said sarcastically in response to Mai's suggestion, "Why, I think I see a gas station right there….No, wait, that's a FUCKING MINIMALL!" he screamed, pointing at a cactus.

"No, it's not," Mai said calmly, "It's a cactus."

"No fucking SHIT!" Seto screamed, whacking his head deliberately against the steering wheel.

"Check the glove compartment," Mai said, in the same infuriatingly calm voice.

"Why would I check the glove compartment?" Seto raged, mostly because he was growing bored. Picking a fight seemed a reasonable road trip pastime, especially since he had stupidly left his laptop computer at home, in his office. "Who would think to put a map in the _glove compartment_?" he continued, glaring at Mai in the rearview mirror, "What's it called again, Mai? A _glove compartment_, not a _map_ compartment."

Silently, Mai reached over Seto's shoulder (and Mokuba's head) and opened the glove compartment, She pulled out a folded map and handed it wordlessly to Seto, a smug look on her heavily made-up face.

"Well…." Seto trailed off defensively, unfolding the map.

"Uh….okay, I guess we should try to find somewhere to eat…"

"Huh?" Joey snapped awake, "Food? Where? Do they have pizza?"

"Yes," Seto said, his voice positively dripping with sarcasm, "And all you have to do to get it is stick your head up your own ass."

"That should be easy," Joey said confidently, unbuckling his seat belt.

"You moron, he was being sarcastic!" Mai said, rolling her eyes.

"Now she tells me," Joey muttered, "I let myself expect pizza and what do I get? NOTHING-hey, that looks vaguely edible," Joey said, eyeing the map Seto was holding.

"Not a chance, Chihuahua. If you eat this we'll never find civilization again."

"Civili-whatsis?" Joey asked, confused, "I thought we were looking for a pickle."

Seto rolled his eyes and Mai sighed and went back to her _Teen Diva Queen_ magazine.

Seto began driving up a road labeled on the map as Highway 2325374283.

"That's bleak, isn't it?" Tristan commented, having momentarily given up on his overtures towards Miho.

"Hey, how's Anzu doing?" Miho asked suddenly, "She's been awfully quiet."

"Carbon monoxide," Bakura muttered to himself.

"Me?" Anzu asked in a squeaky voice, "I'm not doing anything, I'm fine, I….GOD DAMN YOU ALL, can't a girl have some privacy?! Leave me ALONE!!!! ARGH!!!!" She burst into tears.

Bakura smacked her across the face. She stopped crying, finally withdrew her hands from her blouse, and looked up at him. "Thank you," she said calmly. Bakura took no notice. He began ticking a list off on his fingers.

"Dynamite," he said, tapping his index finger, "Decapitation….Hey! Anyone got any paper?"

"Sure," Miho said, handing back a pink notebook with little red hearts all over it, "Keep it. I have three more."

"What do you think?" Bakura asked sarcastically, holding the book up to his face, "Do you think it brings out my eyes?"

"Will all of you SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" Seto screamed, spit flying from his mouth. Mokuba woke up at the sound of his brother's screaming.

"Big Brother?" he said, his smoky blue eyes wide and innocent, "I have to go potty again."

"SHIT!" Seto yelled, directly into Mokuba's ear. 

"Yes," Mokuba said, "I have to go."

Seto threw back his head and started laughing.

"That's it," Mai commented, "He's cracked. More than before I mean."

"Mokuba," Seto said, a tic starting under his left eye, "Do you see a goddamn bathroom anywhere?"

Mokuba looked alertly out all the windows, then reported, "No. Seto, are you mad at me?"

"No." 

"Then why do you keep yelling at me, big brother?"

"YELLING?!" Seto screamed, "WHO'S YELLING?!"

"You are," Mokuba said nervously.

"Arson," Bakura muttered.

"WHY WOULD I BE YELLING?!" Seto bellowed, "AS ANYONE CAN PLAINLY SEE, I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE! HA HA! HEE-HEE! CAN'T YOU SEE ME SMILING?!?!?!"

Mokuba was silent. After a minute, he leaned over and hugged his brother. "I'm having fun, too, Seto."

"EVERYONE'S HAVING FUN!" Seto shrieked, his eye twitching again.

Mai reached back and slapped Anzu across the face.

"Thank you," Seto said, calming down at once, and he began humming under his breath.

"I'm hungry," Joey reminded everyone.

"Well, why didn't you say so before?" Mai asked sarcastically.

"But I _did_," Joey whined, "But nobody was listening to me."

"You don't say…." Mai commented in mock wonder, shoving Duke off her shoulder. Duke snored in protest.

"Sure I do, I just did," Joey said, confused.

"Seto?" Mokuba said, "I still gotta go."


	4. Civiliwhatsis

Chapter Four: Civili-whatsis

After another three hours, it had grown dark and Seto had stopped the bus outside a little wooden shack.

"EATS---GROSSARY'Z" a crude hand-made sign in front of the shack proclaimed.

"Hey," Tristan commented, "I never knew there was a Z in groceries."

Seto whacked his head on the dashboard again.

"Hey, watch out," Yugi observed with concern, "There's a dashboard there."

"No SHIT," Seto said, his eyes widening in mock wonderment, "Ya don't fucking SAY!"

"Well, actually…." Yugi said timidly, "I thought I did say it. But if you're sure I didn't, maybe it was just my imagination."

Seto started to lean towards the dashboard again, but Mokuba poked his head up in between Seto and the dash.

"Big brother?" he asked.

"I know, I know," Seto said, "You have to go to the bathroom."

"No," Mokuba said, "I can't find my teddy bear. And I'm hungry. And I'm bored. And I…."

"Oh….the teddy bear…." Seto pulled Mokuba's blue teddy bear out from his trenchcoat pocket. "Uh….Sorry," he said quietly, "It's just that everyone else fell asleep earlier, and I was kind of lonely when I was driving…."

"It's okay, big brother," Mokuba smiled, "you could have waked me up. I would have kept you company."

"Woken you up, Mokuba."

"That's what I said," Mokuba looked confused.

"No, you said waked me up,"

"No, I didn't," Mokuba insisted, "Why would I say that? You were already awake."

"You said waked you up,"

"Nuh-uh," Mokuba said, "I said woken me up,"

"Waked me up."

"But you were already awake!" Mokuba said exasperatdly, "And you know what else, Seto?"

"What?"

"I have to go to the bathroom again."

Seto sighed, and took the key out of the ignition. He turned around and yelled, "WAKE UP!" at everyone.

Nobody responded.

"WAKE UP! FOOD!" Seto announced, still louder.

No response at all.

"GET THE HELL UP!" Seto shrieked, losing patience, "Or you can STARVE!"

Not even Joey woke up.

"Let me try, big brother," Mokuba said, then whispered, "I want cuddles," in a voice barely audible even to himself.

"Awwwwwww….." everyone said, awake at once, "He's so _cute_."

Seto stalked into the shack, muttering incoherently under his breath.

………..

"Okay," Seto said, "I guess we shouldn't have much trouble making up our minds, right?"

The menu, a piece of weathered wood mounted on the inside wall of the shack by two rusty nails, had only two items listed on it:

"Hot Dog: 12 for $1.00" and "Cold Dog: 12 for $1.00"

"I want, uh….geez, this is so hard to make up my mind," Joey fretted.

Seto called out, "Hello? We want some hotdogs!" he tossed a dollar bill onto the counter.

A grizzled old man came in from another room, presumably a closet, since there wasn't space for another real room in the shack. "Yeh do?" he asked incredulously, putting a plate of steaming hotdog-shaped objects down on the counter and snatching up the dollar, "Yer shure yeh ain't them 'spectshun guys comin' roun' ta do me in fer them sanit….sanitar…..sanitree violay….veeolay….yeh sure yeh ain't here to bawl me out for doin' me buisiness in the kitchen?"

Setp suddenly looked sick. "Let's go, Mokuba," he said, grabbing his little brother's hand, "We're not eating here."

"But I'm _hungry,"_ Mokubua insisted earnestly.

"Trust me," Seto said, "You're not that hungry."

"Yuck…." Everyone else appeared to have come to the same conclusion as Seto. They all walked back to the bus, looking decidedly green.

"Hey," Joey called, "If you guys aren't gonna eat these…" he stuffed two of them into his mouth.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Serenity whispered.

Malik curled up in the backseat with his Millenium Rod. He kissed it good night. "Good night, Moon," he cooed, "Good night, stars…."

Bakura snatched up his pink diary and began writing in it. "Hydrochloric acid," he muttered, "Cyanide…."

"Big Brother?" Mokuba said, "I still need to go to the bathroom."

"Go find a bush," Seto said, obviously exasperated, "You're a guy, right?!"

"Gawd, Kaiba, stop being such a prick," Mai complained.

"Oh, shut up," Setp muttered, "You're blonde, what the hell do you know?"

"WHAT?!" Mai screeched. But she was not alone in her ire. Also screeching, and suddenly looking quite dangerous, were Joey, Malik, and even Yugi.

"Uh…..Aheh heh." Seto laughed, "YOU CAN'T HURT ME, I'M DRIVING!"

The flaxen foursome growled at him, but Mai put out a reassuring hand. "Don't worry, guys, he has to sleep sometime."

The four laughed evilly.


	5. For Ra's sake, just pull the over!

CHAPTER FIVE: For Ra's sake, just pull the f!*# over!

"Okay," Seto said, gesturing at the map. Everyone leaned over their seats and attempted to peer over Seto's shoulder. Everyone except Yugi, of course, who just slumped down in his set and began muttering. Miho, who was sitting next to him, distinctly heard the words 'short', 'shrimpy', and 'kill'.

"According to the map, Magic Pickle Industries lies somewhere up….there." He poked his finger a good five inches above the top of the map, into thin air.

"What d'ya mean accordin' to the map?" Joey asked indignantly, "It's not even _on_ the map!"

"Well, yeah," Seto agreed sheepishly, "But it was. I sort of….lost the top fifth of the map."

"You _what?_" Duke asked dangerously.

"Don't worry," Seto assured everyone, "I can still get us there. I think," he added under his breath.

"You better hope so," Malik said dangerously, aiming his rod at the back of Seto's head.

"Would you put that damn thing away?" Bakura growled, "You almost poked me in the eye with that."

"Fuck you. Apologize to me right now, or you'll be cleaning my royal ra-damned toilets once I'm pharaoh," Yami Malik threatened, taking control of the body.

"Hey! Watch your mouth and comb your hair!" Mai yelled back, her eyes never leaving the imaginary portion of the map Seto was gesturing at.

"You! You annoying little hussy, you will be my serving wench!"

"Oh, can it, you megalomaniac," Serenity yawned, turning her discman up, "You yami freaks are really starting to get on my nerves."

"Wow," Duke commented in awe, "She _can_ talk." He edged away from Mai and began ogling Serenity.

"Playa," Bakura coughed.

"Toilet cleaner," Duke retorted, then cringed as Bakura held up the Millenium Ring.

"Let's see how witty you are…..in the Shadow Realm," Bakura threatened, the ring glowing.

"I think not," Yami intoned, emerging from the Puzzle, "You have met your match, Tomb Robber."

"Fine," Yami Malik said, "You can _both_ scrub toilets."

"Ha!" Yami said scornfully, "Don't you remember, Mr. Malik Megalomaniac? Ancient Egypt does not _have_ indoor plumbing!"

"Well, I'm gonna fucking _invent_ it," Yami Malik screamed, trying to rise in his anger. Unfortunately, his seatbelt was still buckled. The end result was not very dignified.

"You? Invent anything useful? I'd find that amusing….." Yami mocked, as Bakura's ring targeted Duke.

"Help me," Duke whimpered.

"OBLITER—" Yami began, spreading his fingers and holding his palm out towards Bakura.

"THAT'S IT! NEW RULE!" Mai yelled, turning back, "No more Yamis in the van! Now, all of you, get back in your little soul rooms and _stay there!_"

"But….." Yami Malik whimpered.

"No buts!" Mai intoned dangerously.

"But he said…." Bakura whined.

"Not another word!"

"Yes'm" The three ancient spirits retreated to their soul rooms, all looking very hurt. The hikaris regained control of their own bodies.

"I feel as though entire days are missing from my life," Ryou commented.

"Don't sweat it," Joey called back, "That was just the hot dogs."

Yugi reached back and slapped the sleeping Anzu across the face.

"Ow!" she shrieked, waking up, "What was that for, Yug?"

Yugi shrugged, embarrassed. "Everyone else was doing it. It looked like fun. Sorry."

"Okay, Kaiba," Mai said, returning her attention to Seto's imaginary map piece, "What were you saying?"

"It should be down here somewhere," Seto explained, pointing to the legend in the bottom corner of the map."

"But you just said it was up there!" Tristan protested.

"Yeah, well…..these things have a way of metamorphosing," Seto explained.

"Right," Mai said sarcastically, "I suppose in five minutes the place'll be in the glove compartment, right?"

Seto looked at Mai as though she were a moron. "Yeah," he said, "Because, you know, glove compartment, Magic Pickle Industries Corporate Headquarters compartment. Easily confused."

"I have an idea," Serenity said, wiping Duke's drool off her shoulder daintily, "Why don't we pull over and ask for directions?"

"We don't need directions!" Seto insisted, "I _know_ where we're going!"

"Typical doofus of the male species," Mai commented.

"Shut UP, you blond bimbo!" Seto screeched.

"Oh, quit being a prick and lighten up," Mai insisted.

"Big brother?" Mokuba asked, "What's a prick?"

"Uh….It's a special kind of lawyer," Seto invented, sticking a Sesame Street CD in the bus's player and headphones in Mokuba's ears.

"Lawyer?" Tristan asked, "I thought it was a—"

"SHHH!" Seto hissed, turning the volume up on Mokuba's CD.

"Look!" Ryou said, "There's a café! We can grab something to eat and get directions."

"Fine," Seto said, "But I'm telling you, we don't _need_ directions. I _know_ where we're going!" He pulled into the café's parking lot and shut off the ignition. He pulled the headphones out of Mokuba's ears and said, "Okay, Mokuba, we're gonna get some food. You can go to the bathroom now, too."

"Oh, that's okay, big brother," Mokuba said cheerfully, "I don't have to go anymore."

"I'm not going to pursue that," Seto said grimly, "Lets go, everyone."

And so our heroes entered the café by the side of Highway 413450023 (Highway 41 for short). They sat down along the bar, making quite an impressive-looking array of half-crazed (in certain cases, fully crazed) teenagers. "Can I get you anything?" a cheerful blond waitress asked, wiping the bar counter with a pink rag.

"No," Seto rolled his eyes, "We just like to sit in cafés. We read the menus for entertainment."

"Oh," the waitress said apologetically, "Well, then, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. Only paying customers inside, please."

"I was being sarcastic," Seto pointed out, while Joey salivated over the pictures of steaks and sandwiches in the menu.

"Is that a religion?" the waitress asked dumbly.

"For him it is," Mai replied, "Now do us a favor, honey, and get us some chow, huh?"

"Sure!" the waitress whipped out her handy dandy clipboard, "What can I get for you?"

While Joey proceeded to order the entire menu, Mokuba had found some coloring mats and a bucket of multi-colored markers. He was coloring in a picture of a clown holding a bunch of balloons, while Tristan watched him wistfully.

"Any more of those left?" he finally asked.

"Sure!" Mokuba smiled, "I'll get you some!" he jumped up and ran to a little table across the room. He returned with a coloring mat for everyone at the bar. For lack of anything better to do, the eleven teenagers began coloring their clowns with an odd sort of earnest concentration.

"I'm giving him pink shoes," Joey announced, as Seto carefully traced the balloon strings with a red marker, his tongue protruding from the corner of his mouth. "That's silly," Tristan pointed out, filling in the clown's irises with a bright blue marker, "Everyone knows clowns wear red shoes."

"Well, my clown is different!" Joey insisted.

"Markers are fun!" Ryou exclaimed, drawing curly clouds on the background of his picture.

"Mine has a yellow nose!" Anzu said proudly, displaying her work.

Duke slapped Anzu across the face with his left hand as he colored a balloon green with his right.

"Stupid bitch," he noted, "Clowns have red noses."

"Your food is here!" the happy blond waitress announced, setting plates down in front of each of them, and setting up another table next to Joey to accommodate all of his food. She noticed Mokuba's clown mat. 

"Hey, little boy," she said in a sugary voice, "Do you want to enter the coloring contest?"

"Okay!" Mokuba said, as the eleven teenagers all dropped their forks and began listening with rapt attention.

"Just hand it to me when you're all done coloring it, and I'll give it to my boss. He's judging them all tonight. In one more hour, he's going to pick a winner. The ten best pictures will be displayed in the window, and the number one best colorer will get a free ice cream cone."

"Okay," Mokuba said, filling in one last balloon and handing it to the waitress.

"I'm gonna win the coloring contest!" Mai squealed excitedly.

"Back off, bitch," Serenity growled, "That ice cream is mine."

"I'll buy you ice cream, Serenity," Duke offered.

"No!" Serenity pouted, "I want to _win_ my ice cream."

"Too bad," Seto observed, "Because I'm going to take first place."

"Uh…..I don't wish to offend any of you," Miho said, "But I do believe my drawing will win first place."

"Not a chance," Tristan said, "I love you, but you're goin' down."

"Yeah," Ryou said, "To me."

"'OO 'eanh me!" Joey said through a mouthful of potatoes, accidentally spattering his clown with butter.

"As if," Duke scoffed, "I'm gonna wun the ice cream for Serenity."

"I will win," Anzu said, "Because mine is more creative."

"It also sucks," Yugi pointed out, "I'm gonna win. And you know why?"

"Why?!" everyone glared daggers at Yugi.

"Because," Yugi said, and gestured to the fine print at the bottom of the clown mat he had nearly finished coloring.

"CONTEST OPEN TO CUSTOMERS AGED 3-10" the bottom proclaimed in small letters.

"Shit," Duke observed.

"And _I_," Yugi said smugly, "Am the only one of us here who can still pass for a ten-year-old."

"What about Mokuba?" Seto pointed out smugly, "And besides, money is very persuasive."

"Look!" Yugi pointed to more fine print that said, "NO BRIBING THE JUDGES, PLEASE."

"Shit," Seto observed, "Well, what about Mokuba? He's a lean, mean, coloring machine."

"You're right," Yugi said, "Time to go Bond." 

He ducked down behind the counter and waited for the blond waitress bearing the coloring mats to pass by again. Finally, she stopped at a nearby table to refill a coffee pot. Yugi crawled over to her and carefully sifted through the papers she held down by her side. When he found one bearing Mokuba's name, he quickly found where Mokuba had written his age as 9 and added a one in front of it so it said 19. He slipped back to his stool and resumed coloring his mat, humming Bond music under his breat.

About twenty minutes later, the waitress returned and announced that the winner of the coloring contest had been decided.

"The winner is Yugi Motuo. Yugi, where are you?"

Yugi stepped forward, smiling proudly. The waitress smiled indulgently at him and got down to her knees. "I'm sorry, kiddo," she said, "But you're not old enough to enter this contest."

"But I'm ten!" Yugi insisted.

The waitress showed him his mat, where the 0 had been crossed out in 10, leaving only a 1.

"The winner by default," the waitress said, "is Mokuba Kaiba!"

"What?!" Yugi asked, looking at Mokuba's mat.

His age had been untouched.

"How?" Yugi was flabbergasted. [A/N: How does one gast a flabber?]

Mokuba looked at Yugi scornfully. "That picture you altered was a decoy. I waited until the last minute to turn in my real masterpiece, and to sabotage yours." He laughed evilly.

"But….I was going to win," Yugi said sadly, "I had my age worked out and everything." Tears began in his eyes, and he turned angrily to Mokuba, who was happily slurping on a huge ice cream cone, "I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you, ya meddling kid!"

Mokuba just smiled sweetly, accentuating his newly acquired ice cream colored mustache.

*~*~*

When everyone had piled back in the bus, Mai looked at Seto expectantly.

"So," she said, "Did you get directions?"

"Of course!" Seto said, "Not that we needed them."

"So?" she asked, "which way do we go?"

Seto pulled out the map and began gesturing at it. "We'll take a route through here, go behind here, head through _here_, and then go directly up our own asses."


End file.
